California Diaries #1: Dawn

September 26 begins with a soliloquy on friends and school. Dawn is "distracted" in school because the Vista middle school is ubercrowded. The Vista campus contains a big building for the high school grades (9-12), a medium-sized building for the elementary grades (K-4) and a small building for the middle school (5-8). This is the first time I've ever heard of fifth grade in middle school. Our fifth grade was set up like a middle school, but was in an elementary building. But I digress, just like Dawn. Up next is exposition about Sunny's terminally ill mother, which is the part of this series I despise (because it hits way too close to home, but that's for later). Then we find out Maggie's rich. I always wondered if rich people actually have tennis courts in their backyards or if that's just a cliche. Now comes an infodump of Dawn backstory. Mom and Dad are divorced, Mom moved Dawn and Jeff to CT when Dawn was 12 (ah, the days when time advanced in Stoneybrook), Mom got remarried (to Richard Spier, who is not identified in the passage), then Dad got remarried to Carol. Apparently journal-keeping was so important to Dawn that we've never heard about it until this moment. Then onto introducing Maggie and explaining how she turned from laid-back green-haired rebel to uptight control-freak perfectionist. Last we get an intro to Jill, who is wearing a unicorn sweatshirt that would be considered the height of cool in Sweet Valley. More crap about how crowded the school is. Sunny shouts "Rulers!" in the hallway and Dawn responds in kind. I hate to say it, but my friends and I totally would have done that, except we were the lowliest geeks on the eighth grade totem pole and therefore would have only been rulers of the band room. And finally September 26 ends.

September 27. The eighth-graders are told to report to an assembly at the high school with all the high school students. They are (somewhat understandably) freaked. They're all in awe of the size of the high school students. They're "real adults." Apparently they've never seen a 13-year-old guy who's 6'4" or girl who has 38D boobs (yes, those both exist). The big announcement is that the eighth grade is being moved to the high school building to alleviate the overcrowding problem. Dawn is sad that they won't be Rulers anymore. Honey, you weren't "rulers" to begin with--you were just lame.

September 28. Dad announces he's going on a ten-day business trip to Toledo. Talk about lame. Dawn is upset that he won't be there to morally support her during the first day of "high school". I forget that this is before cell phones became ubiquitous and she would have had to pay long distance rates to call him in Toledo. Dawn whines that he's "abandoning" her in her time of need. Drama queen much? Carol offers her services, but bratty Dawn thinks it's not the same. The anti-Carol plot was annoying in "California Girls" and it's really annoying here. I understand that disliking people for no reason is a typically teenage thing to do, but that doesn't make it any less stupid. Like when Dawn asks Carol what "sterile" means and Carol giggles. I always took that as Carol being nervous about explaining a sexual concept to her 13-year-old stepdaughter, whom she doesn't know very well. Dawn takes it as Carol being "immature." I seem to recall Carol being either a little younger or the same age as Jack, and Jack is no older than 40 and probably closer to 35. None of the 35-year-olds I know are paragons of maturity. Still, I think Dawn's reaching.

September 29. First day of high school. Dawn's all impressed that there's a special room devoted to study hall. I must say, I kind of thought that was cool when I first read this, because we didn't have anything like that. Our study halls were either in the cafeteria, the auditorium, or this multi-level classroom that also housed driver's ed. Amalia is mentioned and Ducky is described but not named. The teacher leaves the room and two seniors start making out. Dawn stares, because the BSC's idea of PDA is holding hands. Then Dawn says hell! Dude, I know! I didn't think she was that cool either. A couple of minor hazing incidents have taken place. Maggie has the hots for Justin Randall, a junior. Carol's big secret is foreshadowed.

October 1. Dawn tries to open her locker and can't. She punches and kicks the door. The locker's actual owner, megabitch Mandy Richards, accuses Dawn of trying to break in to her locker. Turns out Dawn broke a mirror. Dawn goes to pay Mandy for the mirror and opens her purse to find a stuffed puppy. Mandy grabs it and Dawn tells her off. Mandy notices the note on the puppy's tail and reads it out loud. "Here is a little good-luck friend for you. Keep it with you always. Your puppy pal, Jill." Dawn is so embarrassed that she turns tail and runs. I can't really blame her. Dawn goes home and gets all defensive when Carol asks her about homework. Dawn notices that Carol is exhausted. Hey, look, it's Foreshadowing with a baseball ba--oww!. The next day, there's crap about Jeff that I don't care about. There's also a little about dissolving the We [Heart] Kids Club.

October 3. Dawn gets a note in her locker inviting her to an exclusive party. Maggie and Sunny received the same invitation. Sunny and Maggie list girls they know who didn't get one, and they mention a Lucinda and a Polly. Would it kill Ann to pick up a baby-name book that was written during the twentieth century? At luch Dawn finds out Jill got an invitation. They theorize that Jill got invited because she's friends with Dawn, Sunny and Maggie. Jill balks at going to a party with juniors and seniors. She also has quite possibly the best clueless-middle-schooler line ever:

We can't show up at a party empty-handed. My mom says [sic]. We can bake cookies. Or make fudge.

Oh, Jill. This reminds me so much of my middle school "best friend." Dawn talks about how she should feel protective of Jill, but she just feels annoyed. I find that I really can't blame her. Dawn talks about how she's not always a very good person. I much prefer this Dawn to the Dawn of "Dawn Saves the Planet". I just wish she'd remember this in her later diaries. I blame the ghostwriters. Anyway, Dawn eavesdrops on Carol's phone call and finds out Carol's pregnant. Carol is not exactly thrilled, but Dawn is too dense to figure out why. Carol makes an excuse about Jack being away to explain her lack of enthusiasm. Apparently Dawn has never watched TV or seen non-Disney movies, because she has no clue why Carol wouldn't exactly be jumping up and down at the prospect of being pregnant.

October 4--party day. Sunny, Maggie and Dawn are debating whether to attend. They realize their parents will never go for it, so Jill suggests they "have [their] own party." They hit the mall for party supplies. Jill has a list of what they need and it's as lame as you'd imagine. Sunny detours them to the jewelry store (I'm guessing it's a Claire's rather than a Zale's) and thinks out loud about getting more holes punched in her ears, or belly button, or eyebrows. After that they head to the pet store so Maggie can buy stuff for the menagerie she keeps because she wants to be a vet. Sunny and Jill bond over hamsters and Dawn gets the warm fuzzies. Then Jill insists on going to The Bear Necessities, which sounds like Boyd's crossed with Five Below. Jill buys teddy bear stickers, teddy bear barrettes, and a sparkly pony perfume bottle. Sunny rolls her eyes so hard they get stuck that way. Kidding! Then they go for lunch and Sunny bursts into tears because her mom can hardly eat anymore. I'm quoting the whole thing because I think it's the most realistic thing that happens in this whole book:

And I remembered the last time I visited her in the hospital. Thursday, I guess. And she had said she was actually hungry, that for once she was looking forward to her dinner, even if it was a hospital meal. And then her food came and she couldn't eat it after all. She just looked at it. Then she said the smell was making her sick, so Dad took her tray out in the hall. [...] And here I am stuffing my face. It is so unfair. Mom weighs like a hundred pounds. She looks like a stupid skeleton.

Dawn decides to be extra nice to Sunny. Yeah, that's really gonna last. In fact, it only takes 7 paragraphs for Dawn to become her usual holier-than-thou self. Sunny disappears and comes back with a belly button ring. Welcome to the AMMiverse. Parental permission? What's that?

Jill's sleepover. Sunny and Dawn arrive first. Maggie arrives in the limo and the pizza guy asks Jill if she's famous. Maggie pouts because she hates people knowing she's rich. As someone who makes in a year what her father makes in a day, I say: bite me, princess. Anyway, Jill has decorated her room with pink and white streamers and balloons and a "Back to School" sign. I can't imagine going that all out for a sleepover with friends I'd known for years. In my world, sleepovers involved unfinished basements, futons, and massive amounts of food. But I digress. Jill wants to watch Disney movies on the VCR she borrowed from her mom. It turns out this is the least lame idea of Jill's. She then suggests prank-calling the neighbors, playing Cootie, and makeovers. Wow. I can't decide if playing Cootie is lamer than role-playing Star Trek, which is how my eighth-grade friends and I spent sleepovers. The girls find out that Jill's mom and sister are leaving. Sunny wants to walk to the "real" party. The figure out that they can stay for an hour and get home before Mrs. Henderson gets back. Jill pouts, of course, but can't stop them.

Our Heroines arrive at the party. They don't know whose house it is. There's a swimming pool in the backyard, and kids are "making out on floats." Eighth-graders are standing around awkwardly trying to imitate the "big kids." A guy offers Sunny cigarettes and Dawn sticks her self-righteous nose in and tells the guy that Sunny doesn't smoke because her mom's dying of lung cancer. Maggie seems to admire Dawn for this. I want to slap Maggie, who usually has more sense than that. I also want to punch Dawn in her smug, self-satisfied face. Next the three of them get offered alcohol. Sunny shotguns hers and goes for more. Dawn spits hers out because it tastes like "strawberries and insect repellent." Ha, they're drinking Arbor Mist! I had a girlfriend who would only drink Arbor Mist blackberry and vodka. Also, I must admit that Dawn's description is not too far off from my first impressions of $10-a-liter vodka, which I stole from my college roommate. Watering that shit down improved it significantly. It tasted like acetone. Anyway, they talk to Amalia for a little, during which Sunny returns totally smashed. I really don't think it's realistic for Sunny to be as drunk as she's portrayed in the short amount of time that passes, but I didn't have my first drink until I was seventeen, so maybe it works differently if you're younger? I don't know. They make fun of Sunny's drunk talk.

Half an hour passes, and Sunny comes back looking for the "barfroom". Mandy cheers and Dawn realizes that the party planners were hoping the eighth-graders would drink enough to get sick. Sunny pukes in the bushes. Dawn gets worried because it's getting late and they still have to walk all the way back to Jill's, which is going to be much harder with Sunny having alcohol poisoning and all. They let Sunny lay down and Dawn tries to plan their next move. Suddenly the music gets really loud and the older kids start throwing the eighth-graders in the pool. Dawn and Maggie get tossed in at the same time. Maggie won't get out because she's wearing a thin t-shirt with no bra. Dawn comments that Maggie should always (emphasis hers) wear a bra. I'm one of those girls too, always have been, and I resented it like hell. Still, I wore the damn bra because it was too uncomfortable not to. However, the whole bra situation was contrived to get Justin to judge Maggie's private wet t-shirt contest. He, of course, gives her a 10. Maggie and Dawn find Sunny and argue about how to get home.

Meanwhile, the high-schoolers ditch the party and the fuzz shows up. Maggie sprints for the woods behind the house and Dawn and Sunny follow. As soon as they're relatively safe, Sunny begs them to slow down. They finally find a road that isn't the one they need to be on. Amalia catches up to them as they try to figure out where they need to go. Then Mr. Knight In Shining Armor pulls over to help them. He recognizes Dawn and Amalia from study hall. Meanwhile, Sunny realizes she's lost her wallet. They blabber nervously for a while before Ducky shuts them up and gets them in his car. Introductions are made. Sunny has to sit up front because she still feels sick, and Ducky rolls the window down for her. He gives them a little infodump about his absentee family and his ancient car. He drops Amalia off first. Then he takes Our Heroines home and offers to pick them up the next morning so they can look for Sunny's wallet.

Sunny barfs in front of Jill's house and Jill sees her. Jill lets them in and yells at them for being out so late and causing her to lie to her mom. The girls fill Jill in on what happened at the party. Jill whines some more about lying and covering up and other stuff that nobody cares about, and Sunny yells at her for making it all about her. Maggie calls off the argument and suggests they all go to bed. Sunny passes out on Jill's bed. The girls don't know what to do because this was written in 1997 and only 20% of Americans were using the Internet. They try to wake Sunny up but they can't, so they just let her go. They're really lucky she didn't pull a Jimi Hendrix. That's way too daring for AMM, though.

Jill's mom and sister wake the girls up at 8:00 am for breakfast. Sunny is totally hungover and can barely get out of bed. Jill takes the self-righteousness crown from Dawn by tsking at Sunny's hungover state. Sunny miraculously makes it through breakfast without puking or passing out again and returns to Jill's bed at the first opportunity. When Ducky picks them up three hours later, Sunny's much better. Dawn calls Ducky's Buick a junk pile. What, you don't remember the Junk Bucket? For shame! When they get to the house, they're greeted by the female owner, who has Sunny's wallet. They find out her name is Ms. Krueger and she's Ducky's teacher at Vista. Ducky gives Ms. Krueger the inside scoop on the party and Dawn realizes it was a trick. Later, Ducky flat-out tells them they were hazed. This is a hundred percent better than AMM's last hazing story.

Dawn meets Jill at The Bear Necessities and apologizes for ditching her. Jill acts mature for her age for the first time in 100+ pages. She's a little self-righteous, but I'm gonna have to let it slide because she's right. Then Dawn tells Jill about Carol being pregnant. Apparently Dawn's wearing her Bad Idea Jeans instead of her usual Mom jeans.

October 6. An 8th-12th grade assembly is called for the next morning at 10:00 am. Attendance is mandatory. The school is pissed. Ms. Krueger wants to see Dawn, Sunny, and Ducky in her office before the assembly. Dawn wants to hang out with her friends that afternoon. Jill is the only one who takes her up on it. Jill comes over to bake cookies and lets it spill that she knows about Carol. Dawn gets pissed at Jill for telling rather than taking the blame for telling Jill in the first place. This is why I don't want kids--they turn into teenagers. Dawn uses the incident to force Carol to tell Jack about the baby.

October 7. Dawn, Sunny and Ducky report to Ms. Krueger's office as ordered. They win a private lecture about the dangers of sneaking out, walking alone in the dark, drinking alcohol at age 13, and not being able to contact help because the house was locked. I call bullshit on the last one because they're in southern California and everybody's upper middle to upper upper class, so at least one of the eighth-graders would have had a cell phone, even in 1997. Anyway, Ms. Krueger puts them on notice and lets them go. They report to the assembly. The admins give them a standard responsibility lecture and tell them that $2000 of damage was done to Ms. Krueger's property and class funds will be used to repay her. The freshmen and juniors don't have quite enough money, so they'll have to fundraise the rest. The rest of the classes will only have enough money for their end-of-year trip. Also, they warn everybody that further hazing will not be tolerated. After that, things pretty much go back to normal. Dawn regrets losing Jill as a friend but is glad that she met Ducky and Amalia.

And there it is! Man, that was long. Hope y'all enjoyed it.